Holy Sleepless in Seattle Batman! What a day. Started out with Evan waking up too early for my day off. Then it settled down a little bit. Evan and I went and had lunch with Kathy at her work. Afterwards he and I went for a walk around the Verteran's park, even had a face off with some very territorial geese.

Note: if you just want your seven year old to turn around slowly and walk away. Do not say "O.k. look they're mad let's turn around and get out of here." He apparently took that to mean. "Quick, let's run as fast as we can screaming at the top of our lungs!" I believe the geese were too busy laughing at my brave little man to chase us anymore.

Anyway Kathy's mom is expecting her sister from Texas this weekend. Last weekend Kathy's mom went into the hospital and was released this past Monday. So she hasn't been in any shape to clean the house. So after Kathy got off work the three of us went over there for some heavy labor and a cheap pizza dinner. (Just for the honest record. While I did everything my wife told me to do diligently she did most of the hard labor. She wore herself out.) We get home around 10:00pm, after relaxing for about half an hour I go upstairs and begin the usual process of getting the wildman to sleep. Yes it's later than usual but it's summer and we just got home as well.

Two hours later the kid still isn't asleep. No, I have no clue as to why but the boy wouldn't sleep. I gave up and agreed to let him sleep in our bed. Kathy would have none of it. So I marched a very pissed off little boy upstairs and took another thirty minutes to calm him down and let me rub his back to hopefully relax him. Finally he drifted off, quickly thank god.

I try to eat something, the cheap pizza had long worn off. Now I've got an upset stomach and I'm still feeling pissy even though everyone else is asleep. I've tried but I can't make anything work right now. Not pissed off enought o write anything mean and too frustrated to write or draw anything else. I know I'm probably just letting myself have an excuse but sometimes it's just not happening no matter how hard you try. I guess this is one of those Screams posts.

Superman just isn't my cup of tea.

I'm a realist, in life and in my art. Whether it's a drawing, illustration, painting, or even in my writing. I try to make sure no matter the circumstances of the piece that it seems believable. My dad and I shared a hatred of television shows like Miami Vice and Chips. Why?

Because the heroes were too perfect.

Their hair rarely got mussed and rarely did it ever seem like they were ever in any danger. The supporting cast all got the crap beat out of them. But Sonny or Ponch just kept smiling the whole time. Oh and then there was the fact that no matter the subject matter the heroes always knew more than anyone eles. Whether it was being a cop, martial arts, car racing, hang gliding, particle physics, mapping the human genome, or women. These heroes did it all better than anyone and looked good doing it.

This is what I strive against in my work. Which is why I have such a hard time with my art. I have problem areas that effect the whole piece. Though most of it is fine if a damn chair in the background doesn't look right I will and have destroyed entire projects. Choosing to Wallow in self pity instead of trying again. It's the same way with writing. The scene can be perfect except for the pacing or dialogue and suddenly I just quite. I believe I'm way too hard on myself on purpose. This way I've achieved a convenient crutch to not actually complete anything. If I don't finish it then no one can reject me. As my therapist says 'Failure on my terms'.

Well by God I'm done with that. Soon very soon I will start posting pieces on here. This is not one of a million empty promises I've made in the past. This is serious. Then I shall begin the process of submitting things to anyone and everyone I can. Whatever the subject matter though one thing will be assured. My leading men and women are as real as I can make them. Superman just isn't my style.

Crying and smiling all before dinner.

(O.k. for those unfamiliar with me. I am one of the true night owls. Anyways my point is that most of my stuff will probably be posted, much like this one, late at night. That's just the way I am. I do my best work late at night. )

Monday July 27, 2009 was an odd one. Both frustrating, upsetting, and in the end satisfying. I made some bad choices and shirked my home duties (dishes and laundry and other things). While to some that may seem small to my wife it was just a lot of hassle she didn't need. Her work has been incredibly hard the past few months, her mother was admitted to the hospital on Friday, she has been having her own health issues recently and lately things at home have just been hectic. Since I work evenings she has no one to support her and today was the straw that broke her back. However we talked and talked and we both cried. In being selfish I honestly had no clue how much stress she was feeling right now. I should have but I didn't. Now I know and as God as my witness it wont happen again.

Due to some personal stuff and work I've allowed myself to be very inactive creatively lately. However I feel a change deep inside and this blog is the first step on the road to where I want to be. The other day with only a mechanical pencil and an eraser I drew a picture of a starfish that actually made me proud. It was a piece of scrap done in less than an hour and yet I felt so good afterwards. I presented it to Kathy like a child anxiously hoping she would like my doodle. I can't call it much more than that but it opened something. Today I've been visiting some of my favorite writing websites. The stories there have gotten the wheels in my head turning again. I feel more empowered already.

Welcome to my world.

O.k. here goes nothing. I've talked about this for so long and so now I'm finally taking the plunge. I have always been a creative person, although few people knew it for most of my life. For reasons I have yet to discover I've always been afraid of everyone else and yet I've always yearned to be accepted. This of course made for a rather awkward childhood and adolescence. Somehow though I've mangaged to carve out a good life, not perfect, but damn good life. However I want more. I'm tired of constantly dreaming of success, at 40yrs old I'm ready to do something towards achieving it. I may fail but I'm ready to finally take some chances and begin living for once. I do not want my son to look back and think how sad it was that I had all these dreams and never did anything about them. I want to show him to never give up.

I'll keep this first one short for now. Over time I'll be talking about my writings and my art and whatever else crosses my noggin from time to time. If I piss you off let me know, if I make you proud let me know, if I bore the crap out of you let me know; I probably will ignore it but at least I'll know. (That was a joke in case you were wondering. I'm an artist/writer not a stand up comedian.)